


Aftermath

by still_lycoris



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Apologies, Episode: s04e08 Lamia, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-21
Updated: 2011-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25377331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: The knights each come to speak to Merlin after the events of "Lamia."
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Knights of the Round Table & Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 137





	Aftermath

Leon apologised first, mostly because he was the only knight who wasn’t struggling to recover from the lamia’s kiss. He had simply received a painful knock on the head and thus was standing far quicker than the others. He found Merlin as Merlin moved through the village, going to get some water for Gaius.

“Merlin. Merlin, I’m … I’m so sorry.”

He sounded raw, desperate and Merlin’s stomach clenched. He wanted to say that it was okay, that he didn’t blame Leon at all, that it had been an enchantment and Leon shouldn’t blame himself. But when he turned and looked into Leon’s face, he found himself remembering Leon’s twisted expression as he’d shouted and without thinking, he shied back when Leon reached out to touch his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” Leon said again and now he sounded worse. “My God, Merlin. I … if there’s ever anything I can do … I’ll leave you alone now, I’ll let you … I’m so sorry.”

He walked away and Merlin leaned against a hut and struggled to get his heart rate back to normal. It would be better soon. He was just tired and overreacting from everything that had happened. It would get better and they’d go home and everything would be normal.

*

Elyan apologised next. Merlin was bringing water into the hut when Elyan stirred and sat up, holding himself up on his elbows.

“Merlin.” He sounded sleepy. “I’m sorry.”

It was easier to take from him. Elyan had been sharp, cold but he hadn’t been physically rough. He hadn’t touched him. Merlin nodded his head and even managed a small smile. Somehow, he still couldn’t seem to speak.

“I’ll make it up to you,” Elyan said, lying down again, clearly exhausted. “I promise, Merlin. I’ll make it up to you. Just wait and see.”

Merlin wished his mouth would work. He wished he could tell Elyan it wasn’t necessary. That everything was fine. But by the time he’d forced his mouth open, Elyan had gone back to sleep and Merlin didn’t want to wake him. Instead, he left the hut and went to sit with the horses, trying to see if there was anything that needed doing. He wanted to keep busy.

*

Percival’s apology was the most distressing.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice low, his eyes downcast. “I’ll never forgive myself for the things I said, the things I did. The way I behaved – ”

His voice cracked then and Merlin realised in horror that Percival was _crying_ , slow, steady tears that crawled down his cheeks. He made no effort to wipe the tears away, simply ignored them and stood, hands down by his sides, head bowed.

Somehow, it made it easier. He was able to step forward, put his hand on Percival’s arm. 

“Percival, don’t! Please don’t cry! You didn’t hurt me, do you understand? It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t hurt me!”

“I did,” Percival said shakily. “I hurt you. I _threatened_ you. I swore an oath, an oath that I would protect and I … I failed. I failed you, I failed myself.”

“You were enchanted,” Merlin said. “You didn’t have any choice.”

“Lancelot would not have done it,” Percival said. “Lancelot would have fought it.”

“No,” Merlin said quietly. “No, Percival. He couldn’t.”

The strange thing was, it was the first time that he’d really believed it himself. At the time, he’d thought of Lancelot a lot, thought that Lancelot would never have said those things, that Lancelot would have helped him and taken care of him even when the other knights were angry and terrifying. It was stupid, of course. Lancelot would have been just as enchanted as the others. He would have hated Merlin just as much as the others had. He would have had no more choice than the others.

“It’s all right, Percival,” he said again. “Please. I … I forgive you. It’s over now.”

Percival didn’t look like he quite believed it but he bowed, a bow that was deep enough to make Merlin embarrassed. His tread was heavy when he walked away but Merlin hoped his shoulders were a little less stooped. He didn’t want the knights to punish themselves forever. He wanted it to be over and finished and _ended_.

He went to find Leon. The man was sitting at the outskirts of the village, quiet and morose. He jumped when Merlin sat close to him, staring as though he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

“Merlin. Are … are you all right?”

“Yes,” Merlin said, not quite meeting Leon’s eyes. “Did you mean it?”

“Mean … what?”

“The things you said to me. Did you mean them?”

Leon sat silent for a moment and Merlin waited, trying to relax his burningly tense muscles. Leon gave a soft sigh and clenched his finger together.

“I would have done, once,” he said, quiet and honest. “We all used to wonder about you – the older knights, I mean. You were … confusing. You and Arthur were always together and you were so … well … ”

“Rude?” Merlin suggested.

“Rude,” Leon agreed. “And while you weren’t bad at your job, you weren’t the best. Everybody knew there were better servants and it was just … baffling the way you were allowed to behave. We assumed you were … you were a fad of Arthur’s and that you weren’t important, just … ”

He trailed off, his cheeks red with shame. Merlin didn’t say anything. Very little of this was new to him. He’d heard bits and pieces of gossip all the time he was in Camelot and mostly learned to ignore it. Gwen had reassured him that almost every servant had to put up with gossip and there was no point fretting about it so he’d never bothered. He hadn’t realised the knights had thought so much of it though.

“I haven’t thought it in years, Merlin,” Leon said quietly. “I swear it. We’ve …I doubt any of the knights think it any longer. We _know_ how important you are, even if you don’t. It was you who bought us together. Elyan and Gwaine would never have been here if it weren’t for you. We know that you’ve kept Arthur alive more than once, we know that he trusts you. _We_ trust you.”

He reached out and touched Merlin’s shoulder, very gently and carefully. This time, Merlin didn’t start away from the touch. He looked at Leon and Leon swallowed.

“I was … angry,” he said. “I knew that I had more power than you. I knew that I could hurt you with that power and so I did.”

Merlin understood that. He understood having power over people, understood reminding yourself all the time that you mustn’t, mustn’t, _mustn’t_ get casual about it. He understood the temptations of anger, the guilt you could feel afterwards if you gave it.

“Leon,” he said. “It’s all right. I know you weren’t yourself. You can forget it now.”

“No, I can’t,” Leon said with a twisted smile. “I’ll never forget it, Merlin. I _shouldn’t_ forget it. But … I thank you for saying that. I will … I will do my best to be worthy from now on.”

They shook hands and Merlin moved away, no longer quite so worried about turning his back.

*

Gwaine’s apology came last. It came when they were finally back in Camelot, safe and home again. Merlin had made a point of riding with the knights as they rode back, laughing and chatting with them. They’d been eager for him to ride with them, eager to show that they were his friends, not his commanders. Merlin had been equally willing to let then. He was tired now, wanted everything to return to normal as quickly as possible. Gwaine had treated him like normal on the ride, smiled at him, laughed with him and Merlin had all but forgotten that he had heard nothing from Gwaine about his behaviour.

At least, until he found Gwaine sitting in his bedroom when he went to go to bed.

“Hey,” he said, unable to stop himself sounding a little wary. Gwaine looked at him. His expression was hard to read but he tried to smile.

“Hey Merlin. You got a moment?”

“Sure,” Merlin said.

Gwaine looked away from him, staring at the wall. Merlin continued to stand by the door, waiting for Gwaine to say something. 

“You know some people say they aren’t good at apologising,” Gwaine said so abruptly that Merlin actually jumped. “You’ve heard that, right? They’re stubborn, too much pride, they just don’t like to … that kind of thing.”

“I’ve heard it,” Merlin said dryly. “Trust me, I work for Arthur, I’ve met it.”

Gwaine managed a noise which was probably meant to be a laugh. Merlin winced at it. It was dry, false, miserable. Not like Gwaine at all.

“Now me,” Gwaine said. “Me, I just don’t apologise. Not often. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I remember to say that I’m sorry about something or other but usually, I just … leave. And I’ve done a lot of things, Merlin. You do when you live the life I’ve done. Stuff … stuff I honestly don’t want you to ever know about.”

Merlin resisted the urge to speak. He wanted to reassure Gwaine, tell him that there were things Merlin had done that made him feel sick to his stomach. That he woke up in the night sometimes and he couldn’t breathe with the weight of the lives that he’d taken. But he didn’t. That wasn’t what Gwaine needed right then.

“I owe you an apology,” Gwaine said quietly. “If I were a better man, I’d have come to you the moment Gaius woke me up. I didn’t do that because I just … couldn’t look you in the face. I couldn’t … you’re my friend, Merlin. The first friend I ever had and I … ”

“It wasn’t your fault!” Merlin said desperately because he couldn’t bear to hear Gwaine talk like this any longer. “Gwaine, you weren’t yourself, you were enchanted, I know you’d never ever have been like that normally! I know we’re friends, I know how you feel about me!”

“Do you?” Gwaine said, turning at looking at him. Merlin blinked, not sure what to say. Gwaine shook his head slightly and looked away again.

“I’m sorry, Merlin,” he said. “I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I treated you like you … like I’m better than you. I’m not, I never … I never could be.”

“Stop it,” Merlin said. “Stop it, Gwaine. You don’t … it’s all right. You didn’t hurt me. It’s over now, all of it. So … so please stop.”

He moved over, sat next to Gwaine and touched his arm. Gwaine was shivering slightly and Merlin paused, then put his arm around Gwaine’s shoulders. After a while, Gwaine’s shivering stilled and he looked at Merlin with a rueful smile.

“I’m supposed to be comforting you, you know. You’re the wronged party here.”

“It was an enchantment,” Merlin said quietly. “I know how powerful they are, Gwaine. I know what it’s like. So don’t worry any more. You’re still my friend. You’ll always be my friend, no matter what.”

Gwaine leaned against him, their heads touching. Merlin kept his arm around him and after a while, Gwaine’s arm snaked around his waist, pulling him close. They sat together, leaning close and Merlin eventually closed his eyes and relaxed, feeling Gwaine’s warmth against him. 

This was okay. Maybe everything was okay now. He’d just have to wait and see.


End file.
